Dispatches from Floriduh: DeSadist Strikes Again
Monday: We just got word that Skittles candy has been banned from being sold or offered in any establishment within the state of Florida.
“It’s bad enough that our kids have to see rainbows,” said a representative from the lobbyist group Fathers Against Rational Thought (FART), “but making them taste the rainbow? No wonder our kids are all turning into gays! Can you believe they actually had Skittles in vending machines at my teen’s high school?! I’m pretty sure that’s grooming. I’m not really sure what grooming is, but I know you shouldn’t do it to kids. And as a father, I sure as heck know more about schools than any so-called educator with a fancy college degree.”
His wife added, “I heard that people are grooming horses as well. Can’t you bible-burning lib-holes leave those poor animals alone?”
Wednesday: The state of Florida has announced that the entire African-American population was replaced by pod people during the 1950s. All history classes and textbooks are now required to reflect this.
“It’s obvious when you look at it,” said a recently-hired representative from the state board of education, “The Blacks changed so much in just a few years. For decades, they were all happy and knew their place, and then suddenly that civil rights nonsense just came out of nowhere. Clearly, something changed, and thanks to the internet, we now know exactly what happened. They were replaced by alien look-alikes. We know it’s true because we found this information being shared on several different social media sites.”
The governor was reportedly very pleased with this discovery. “Let’s not hear any more whining about apologies and reparations,” he said, addressing the state’s African-American population, “It wasn’t your ancestors we enslaved and mistreated. It was totally different Black people that you’re not even related to. Why should you care?”
It’s probably only a matter of time before we hear that the pod people are in league with the lizard people.
Friday: The state of Florida has enacted a total ban on alarm clocks and alarm clock apps. After all, we can’t have more people getting woke now, can we?
[Thanks to my partner for inspiring this essay with the snarky comment that Florida has become so anti-woke they probably don’t allow alarm clocks anymore. Sometimes, you just have to laugh at the darkness.]
Got this far? Please consider leaving a tip or supporting me on Patreon! Any amount is appreciated
